I’ve never really ate much fruit or vegetables, unless you consider things like ketchup, maraschino cherries, or fruit roll-ups. I like apple pie, and a few years ago for a week or so, I tried eating apples with cinnamon and sugar, and they weren’t horrible. I recently saw an article about apples about how red delicious apples are actually totally undelicious, and I figured red delicious are probably what I’ve always eaten, so maybe I should give these other kinds a try. I tried honeycrisp and pink ladies, since those were some names I saw popping up a lot. I liked them both, I didn’t feel like I noticed a difference between them and whatever type of apples used to be hanging out the fridge. So I need to do a taste test. We bought six different kinds of apples, and I tried a slice from each.

It was close, but the winner was the smitten, just barely beating out the honeycrisp.

The ambrosia, empire, and fuji came next. They all just kind of tasted like apples.

The lady Alice was by far my least favourite. It was very bland, and like… okay, you know how some people like have numbers associated with colours and things like that? I have tastes associated with colours. Things that taste vegetabley taste green. Sometimes, I’ll have some chicken at a restaurant, and it will have a little bit of green taste to it, like I can tell a vegetable has touched it. I’ve noticed sometimes our ketchup tastes blue, like it has air bubbles in it, it’s kind of watery. Hot or spicy things would obviously taste red. Those are basically the only colours I taste. This apple was the first time I tasted something light yellow. Like the inside of an apple. Which, okay, fair, it is light yellow, but light yellow is not a good taste. It’s like the first time I got an EOS lip balm and opened it up to see this gross pale greeny yellow, and so the first time you use it, it’s kind of gross. (Whoa, wait, are EOS that colour to emulate apples?) Light yellow is like baby food and a little cardboardy.

I’m reading a bit about different apples and all these people are so much better at describing these tastes than I am. For me, it’s just I liked this / I didn’t like this. I don’t know why I did or didn’t like it. I think the smitten and honeycrisp were sweet, so that’s probably why I liked them. I don’t know how to tell if something tastes “flowery”, what even is that? And normally, I would judge things on how they look, but with apples, I feel like the taste is way more important, and I just ignore what it looks like. They basically all look the same anyway.

It’s a completely unfair test, I know; I could have just gotten a bad lady Alice apple, or maybe it’s just the end of their season, and the smitten is at its peak right now. It’s going to be hard to keep an accurate list, because once I try a gala say, I won’t know whether it goes between ambrosia and empire or empire and fuji.

Round one results:

  1. Smitten – 5/5
  2. Honeycrisp – 5/5
  3. Ambrosia – 3/5
  4. Empire – 3/5
  5. Fuji – 3/5
  6. Lady Alice – 1/5

I might have to readjust my ranking scale after trying different kinds; if I find an apple that tastes absolutely horrible, the lady Alice might move up to a 2.

Round two results:

  1. Crispin – 4.5/5
  2. Jazz – 4/5
  3. McIntosh – 3/5
  4. Empire – 3/5

I’d already eaten the rest of the smitten, honeycrisp, and ambrosia, I’ve been cutting up the fuji to use in coleslaw, and I didn’t much want to try to the lady Alice again, so I just re-tasted the empire as a kind of control test, so I can compare to round one. The crispin was a bit tart I think, but it was different, and I liked it, though I think I prefer sweet apples, so that’s why it’s only 4.5/5. The jazz had a bit of flavour, and I think I liked it, but not as much as the others. The McIntosh was kind of blah, like the empire.