I hated this movie so much. I don’t want to say it was the worst movie ever, because that is not an accurate description, but that is how I feel about this movie. I don’t want to say it was so bad, because it wasn’t bad, but I just absolutely HATED it.
So I decided recently that I was going to watch some Netflix movies on my watch list that were going away in a few days. This was one I was rather interested to see because it’s a sci-fi and I like sci-fi and space type stuff.
So I’m all curled up and ready to watch the movie and… it’s just a black screen with some humming noise. I wonder if that’s just the intro or maybe Netflix froze. It did that the other day when I was watching Clerks for the first time. I exited the movie and tried again. Same. I exited Netflix and tried again. Same. I turned off the TV and tried again. Same. I skipped forward a bit to make sure this wasn’t just the intro. Nope, it was all black for a long time. Internet must be acting up. I try a different movie, and it works like normal. What the hell. It’s kind of funny though, and I say to my mom, who’s in the next room, “man, this movie is really boring. It’s all black” and ’cause it’s about space, like that would be a pretty accurate space movie.
Anyway, I go back to the movie and skip really far ahead, and then I finally see the MGM logo! Three minutes of blackness at the beginning! Come on!
So I’m already pissed off at this movie for that.
Then the first twenty minutes are a bunch of guys in monkey suits with no dialogue?!
And then the next ten minutes are shots of space ships and classical music and no dialogue!?
And then the rest of the movie is lots of really slow shots of space ships and hardly any people!?
So like when there’s like thirty minutes left, I’m just like–
Okay, I was all like I’m going to keep this blog professional and I’m not going to use big swears, but holy fuck. This movie.
I’m just like fuck this, I go to Wikipedia to read the rest of the movie because I don’t want to deal with this shit no more! And the rest of the movie is all some bullshit nonsense stuff. And then there’s the psychedelic stuff and I just fast forward through it and I have NEVER fast forwarded through any movie or show of stuff that I don’t like. Like there’s always people who are like “oh I’m so sick of the Platts on Corrie; I skip all their scenes”. That’s stupid, I would never do that! But THIS MOVIE, MAN!
And like I didn’t really pay attention to the end because I don’t care anymore. Like I like weird movies that don’t make sense, but I just didn’t care! I can’t guys I can’t I hate you.
I might have cried a little after this movie I don’t really remember it was just so fucking horrible.
Okay, okay, it was beautiful. Every shot was beautiful. Even stupid boring shots like that guy addressing the people in that press conference type thing at the beginning? It was just all set up very carefully and that’s like just a Stanley Kubrick thing, like I’ve seen The Shining and A Clockwork Orange and just everything is very beautiful.
I don’t watch movies for beautiful. Beautiful is nice, but the main thing I want is a story. The story in this movie was good, but it was so drawn out I just didn’t care any more. It was a really good story actually. This would have been better as a short film, or as a series of gifs. This should not have been a movie.
Like up until this point, the movie I hated most and that I would never ever want to see again was How I Won the War. It was really long and boring and nothing happened and I dunno, was it meant to be a comedy? I wouldn’t have got it anyway because it’s British. But it was just really bad and disappointing. I would rather watch HIWTW than this shitty movie again.
I would rather watch Rubber. Which I mean, that’s not even fair, because the first scene of that was pretty amazing.
Oh! I would rather watch 200 Motels.
Oh um I would rather watch like fucking, real surgeries. Sure I would probably pass out in a few minutes, but like if you would keep reviving me until I sat through two hours or whatever that movie was of surgeries, I would rather do that.
I would rather like oh my god I would rather ANYTHINg than this movie again.
Fuck. This. Movie.