Jencyclopedia

A rich man wants to read his new wife’s mind to find out if she just married him for his money.
A woman wants to be beautiful, like that girl she knew in high school.

I’m kind of annoyed that this series doesn’t start with a theme song, because as soon as the episode starts playing, I have to pay attention; I used to be able to start up Fantasy Island, and then get this post ready during the theme song.

Also, interesting episode title. An appearance from Alice Cooper, maybe? Aerosmith? Peter Frampton?

I think this is the first guest who didn’t come into the travel agency because it was raining. Wait, hm… maybe he’s not a guest. Nah, no way, they’re gonna make him into a guest.

[The gang have just arrived at the dock.]
Roarke: Well? I don’t see them.
Harry: Pardon?
Ariel: Smiles, everyone.
Roarke: Smiles!

Part of me thinks this is cute, but part of me also wants them to move on. Either say it or don’t; don’t make a big production of it every week.

Roarke: Mr. and Mrs. Pete Collins.

Oh, come on. It’s 1998, and we’re still calling the wife by their husband’s name?

Roarke: I’m afraid she requested FI3.
[The gang groans.]
Harry: Oh, no. The lines don’t get any shorter for that one, do they?
Ariel: As if it was gonna solve anyone’s problems.
Cal: What happened to all the FI1s and FI2s we used to get?
Roarke: Disdain for the paparazzi and tabloids have made the fantasy of fame rather lose its lustre.
Cal: What about FI2?
Roarke: Viagra killed that one.

Are you serious? The pilot’s a woman, and she’s named Amelia? Maybe it’s just a nickname.

Directed by David Jones?! I know he made purses, but I didn’t know he was a director too.

Roarke: I’ve been in the fantasy business for quite a few years now, Mr. Collins.

Pete Collins’ fantasy is to know what his new wife is thinking, because he wants to know if she only married him for his money. This feels a lot like Jackie’s fantasy in the pilot episode (she wanted to “know everything“).

Tom Shinski: They ring it for you?
Cindy Kirkwood: I’m sorry?
Tom Shinski: The bell, in the  tower. They rang it for me when I got here. It’s a legendary instrument. Cast at Whitechapel around 1550 during the reign of James I.

I have a feeling Tom Shinski is not a mini-fantasy — he’s probably gonna be Cindy Kirkwood’s love interest — but his fantasy is similar to Mr. Henley’s mini-fantasy in 5×6 “Druids/A Night in a Harem”.

Oh, Cindy Kirkwood wants to be beautiful. And she has to go into a magic lake, just like 4×13 “World’s Most Desirable Woman”. Nice.

Cindy Kirkwood: I have to go in there?
Roarke: I’m afraid so. We used to use a conversion pod, but a man locked himself accidentally inside with a fly. Messy.

Haha, was this guy played by David Hedison, perchance?

Cindy Kirkwood: Now, just so we’re clear, you’re not gonna pull the old bait-and-switch and give me inner beauty, are you? I mean, I get the face, the body?

Oh, this is lame; they’ve got a completely different woman playing “Beautiful” Cindy, instead of just frumping up a beautiful actress for the first scene.

Are you serious? Is this a thing? I don’t think the original series ever gave me secondhand embarrassment, and we all know how bad that show was.

I’m still not seeing how this series is “darker” than the original.

Roarke: Miss Kirkwood. This is for you.
Cindy Kirkwood: What is it?
Roarke: Health club membership. Aerobics, step class, free weights. Beauty requires maintenance.

The original Fantasy Island also had a health club, as mentioned in 4×2 “The Mermaid Returns”.

Jeanette Collins [thinking]: This bra is too tight.

Accurate.

This guy wanted to ring the bell in Notre Dame. I don’t think that’s Notre Dame.

Harry and Cal sleep in bunk beds in a maintenance shed? Weird.

I remember I used to be really looking forward to this series. Sigh. At least the new series has been good.

And this is supposed to be Westminster Abbey. I think this guy got ripped off.

Alright, so Pete Collins left the island without his wife, so I think that’s the first unhappy ending. Although, honestly, she could have made up the book she was supposedly thinking about writing, and she may have actually been planning to kill him, so maybe he did get away from a bad situation.

Miss Continental: I can’t remember why I came in here.
Fisher: Well, perhaps you would like to go some place to relax? A place where you don’t have to worry how you look or what to eat or what to wear?
Miss Continental: Is there a place like that?
Fisher (to Clia): FI4.

This sounds like the new series’ 1×1 “Hungry Christine”.

At least these episodes only take me an hour and a half-ish to get through.

• Guests:
  • Mr. and Mrs. Pete Collins; he is a real estate developer or something, and she was a Las Vegas showgirl
  • Miss Cindy Kirkwood, a college history teacher
• Money:
  • [After receiving Pete Collins’ contract; he’s worth in the region of 50 million dollars.]
    Roarke: At last, someone who can pay full price.
  • Pete Collins: I was guaranteed this fantasy, Mr. Roarke. If it’s more money you want, fine.
    Roarke: You’ll pay… later.
• Employees: Amelia, the pilot
• Religion:
  • [Before Roarke pushes Cindy Kirkwood into the water to be reborn as a beautiful woman.]
    Roarke: Excuse the biblical connotation.
  • Jeanette Collins: Oh, Petey, it sounds like heaven.
    Roarke: Not quite, but a reasonable facsimile.
• Roarke’s powers:
  • He can turn reflective surfaces (eg. a bowl of water, a shiny teapot) into the magic mirror from Beauty and the Beast.
  • He can manipulate objects through his magic mirror, such as pushing a discarded cigarette towards a stack of newspapers so it catches on fire and burns down the restaurant.
  • He can freeze time.
• Can’t help you:
  • Pete Collins: Jeanette is leaving me. You’ve got to stop her.
    Roarke: I grant fantasies, Mr. Collins; I don’t perform miracles.
• Cancelling the fantasy:
  • Roarke: You could always read her mind.
    Pete Collins: No. Take it away.
    Roarke: Alright. Done.
• All you need is love:
  • Roarke: Well, you have found what you were looking for.
    Cindy Kirkwood: Have I?
    Roarke: In my experience, the quest for beauty is really the quest for love.
• Disappearing act:
  • Roarke: In my experience, the quest for beauty is really the quest for love.
    [Roarke unfreezes time. Tom rings the bell. Cindy turns to look. She turns back. Roarke is gone.]
• Age gap:
  • Kiersten Warren: 32 / Jere Burns: 43 = 11 years
  • Maura Vincent: ? / Jason Blicker: ? = ?
  • Elisabeth Rohm: 25 / Jason Blicker: ? = ?
  • Elisabeth Rohm: 25 / Robb Derringer: 31 = 6 years
  • Jocelyn Seagrave: 30 / Robb Derringer: 31 = 1 year
• Cast:
  • Jere Burns … Pete Collins
  • Kiersten Warren … Jeannette Collins (Pete’s new wife)
  • Elisabeth Rohm … Fantasy Cindy Kirkwood (Cindy as a beautiful woman)
  • Jason Blicker … Tom Shinski (the guest with the Hunchback of Notre Dame fantasy)
  • Maura Vincent … Real Cindy Kirkwood
  • Jocelyn Seagrave … Leslie Wolf (Cindy’s rival from high school)
  • Robb Derringer … Matt (Cindy and Leslie’s love interest)
  • ??? … Rolf Kessler (the photographer)
  • ??? … Amelia (the pilot)