Jencyclopedia

I didn’t feel like doing much today, so I started looking through the throwback section of the CTV app. I started to watch T.J. Hooker, but I’m not really a cop show fan, and James Darren wasn’t even in the credits, what? I didn’t see anything else interesting, so I decided to watch the Fantasy Island pilot.

I kinda feel bad for skipping a Kirk show to watch Khan instead but… not that bad.

Ziggy says there’s a 98% chance I’ve seen this episode before. Way back when I first started writing about Fantasy Island, I mentioned a hunter episode; it had to be this one. If I had seen this episode before, that makes so much sense, because now I understand why I was confused about whether Roarke was a good guy or a bad guy, because here, he’s more of a bad guy, but in the rest of the series, he’s always a good guy.

Anyway, right from the beginning, omg, everything was different! I feel I must have greatly dishonoured my Vulcan ancestors with all the emoting I was doing, acting like a teenaged Tumblrite.

The “de plane” is different — you mean, it’s been overdubbed this whole time?

Tattoo’s not wearing a jacket! His hair is so long, and Roarke’s hair is so short!

Okay, well, this is a normal thing: Roarke being annoyed for no reason.

Roarke: I find it exhilarating each time they come, Tattoo. New people with new problems. New hopes, new fears. They are so… mortal.

This reminds me of Saavik’s “he’s so… human”.

I’m so glad there’s a “smiles, everyone, smiles”.

Roarke: Button your jacket, Tattoo.

Ha ha, now I feel bad about complaining about them always buttoning their jackets in the opening scene. I’m just gonna pretend that’s a callback to this.

Tattoo: Who is Hemingway?

This is weird, because Tattoo usually knows stuff. So I wonder what they originally intended for Tattoo’s character.

Roarke: My drink!

Roarke: Welcome to Fantasy Island… indeed…

Greenwood: Fantasy Island. It’s a wonderful name, wonderful place. Your idea?
Roarke: I was… consulted.

What the heck does that mean?

Roarke: A firm rule on Fantasy Island, Mr. Greenwood, no questions ever about another client; your paths won’t cross again.

I had read somewhere that they filmed the episodes so that the different fantasies never intertwined so that they could cut up the episodes into half hour shows for syndication or something. I think about this a lot, and I always try to catch shots with both guests in it, but it never happens. Anyway, I wish they would do an episode where the two fantasies intertwine. Also, I wonder how they pick which two fantasies go in the same episode? I feel like earlier on, each fantasy had a separate writer and director? It would be nice if there was a conscious decision to put certain fantasies together, other than just “this is the male fantasy” / “this is the female fantasy”, like a unifying theme or something.

Greenwood: You’re a magician.
Roarke: Some call me that.

Roarke laughs a couple of times in this episode, and his laugh gives me a Tommy Wiseau vibe.

This funeral home is the most Fantasy Island funeral home ever.

Roarke: The organization I run is… shall we say… larger than meets the eye.

Roarke’s tape recorder is so weird. Omg, and his office — we never see his office. It’ll be interesting to see how it looks in its first appearance (because obviously I have to watch this entire damn series now).

I feel like I keep hearing “Moonlight Serenade” in every show lately. That reminds me, a few episodes ago, at the start of someone’s fantasy, there was this vaudeville-y piano tune, and it’s like the stereotypical western saloon song, and I’m like damn, I wanna learn how to play that. Pandemic aside, it’s not very often that I happen upon a random piano somewhere, but when you do, you need a song to play, right? I remember once in high school when practicing for a play in the auditorium, I started playing some Meat Loaf (amateurishly) on the piano there, and I thought that was a pretty cool go-to song, but this vaudeville song’s gotta be the best one, because everybody recognizes it. Apparently, it’s “The Entertainer”.

The ragtime revival of the 1970s…

Wikipedia

What what what? Tell me more about this.

Sorry, boss. Back to the show.

[Michelle enters.]
Tattoo: Mr. Henley? Compliments of Mr. Roarke.
Paul Henley: Wow. This is a fantasy I didn’t expect.
Tattoo: Enjoy.

Wtttfffffff. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo are pimps now???

Also, this chick calls him a jet-setter. I knew it! Fantasy Island used to call everyone jet-setters!

Francesca Hamilton: You’re a nice man, Arnold.
Arnold Greenwood: I’m not an angel.
Francesca Hamilton: But you’re a nice man, Arnold. A very nice man.

Roarke: And you didn’t forget–
Tattoo: No, I didn’t forget! Do I ever forget?
Roarke: I forgot.

Ugh.

Okay, so like… Tattoo and Roarke went in and stripped the guy and the girl naked and dressed them in different clothes? Was that really necessary?

Roarke: There are no rules on Fantasy Island, except as I make them.

Michelle: Don’t I have anything to say about this?
Roarke: You had your say when you took this job.
Michelle: You dirty–
Roarke: Sticks and stones!

This is like pure horror movie villain right here.

Roarke: Good boy! Cut your [her?] arm off!

Roarke: Rest well, Henley, for phase three is… um… ah, what do young people say today?

I have no idea what people say today; the closed captioning says “a groaner”, but I’ve never heard any people say that, unless they’re talking about puns or dad jokes.

It’s hard enough keeping track of two fantasies on a regular day, so early on in this episode, I was like hang on, what’s that guy’s fantasy again? The one guy wants to be killed, the girl wants people to think she’s been killed… so the other guy must want to kill someone, right? Well, spoilers.

Vasquez Rocks, omg. I’m not really processing what Roarke is saying, but he’s talking about hunting animals, and I’m thinking like… do you mean… giant lizards?

Paul Henley: Wait a minute, Roarke! That isn’t a hunt — that’s murder!
Roarke: Sorry, I can’t hear you; I’ve got a helicopter in my ear.

Alex Davidson: To hell with the rules.
Roarke: To hell with you. I make the rules on this island, Davidson. All of them. All of the time. Only I break them. Nobody else.
Alex Davidson: The rules be damned. He used my wife!
Roarke: Wrong. Your wife was used long before Henley. Many times, by many men.

[About Roarke.]
Michelle: What is he?
Paul Henley: God only knows.
Michelle: I wonder if he does.

You know the feeling when someone does something teeny tiny and inconsequential, but for whatever reason, it just gets on your nerves? Like non-Vulcans saying “sens-or”? Well, whatever the opposite of that feeling is, I have it whenever someone says “futile” the proper way, and Mr. Roarke says it properly. 😊

There were a couple of weird shots of Roarke in this — like early on, he was standing behind the door with the comedy/tragedy masks, and the mask was superimposed over his face. Then at the end of the WWII story, there was some circular sculpture thing in front of his face. Like… what were they going for here? I could see if they were trying to make it look like horns or something to imply this guy’s the devil, but it definitely wasn’t that.

Roarke makes excuses for why he’s giving the sermon or whatever at the funeral, but like, years later, he has a different justification for why he can marry people on Fantasy Island. Like I mean obviously, I know it’s unreasonable to expect continuity there, but I’m bringing it up anyway because that’s how I roll.

This lady’s a badass: “either I go to the police, or you be the perfect husband.”

The way this episode ends is exactly how this series should end. It really felt like they were gonna go into another episode right away, even though I knew that wasn’t gonna happen.