Jencyclopedia

George Jefferson wants to stop being a kleptomaniac.
Loretta Lynn wants to impress the daughter she gave up for adoption.

I thought I had seen this episode before, but I was thinking of 7×17 “The Imposter” (I guess I confused the compulsive liar with the compulsive thief) — so this is a brand new episode for me, which I wasn’t expecting. There are a lot of new actors in this episode who have never appeared on Fantasy Island before, and they’re people I’ve actually heard of: Heather Locklear, Loretta Lynn, Ted McGinley.

Roarke: He’s suffering from a very distressing affliction. You see, Tattoo, Mr. Simpson is a kleptomaniac.
Tattoo: A crook? Boss, are you sure you locked up the safe in the office?
Roarke: Perhaps I should explain something to you, Tattoo. With Mr. Simpson, as with all kleptomaniacs, the urge to steal is not because of personal desire or monetary rewards; it’s simply an obsession with them, a psychological disorder, really.

This is extremely progressive dialogue for this series.

Hahaha omg even the subtitle transcribers have given up trying to understand Tattoo.

Here’s my best guess for what Tattoo says here:

Tattoo: Boss, that’s Loretta, the waitress who sling hash at the North Shore Restaurant at ??? (He says something like “beer-oh”.)
Roarke: That’s right, Tattoo. However, for the next two days, you will refer to her as Mrs. Loretta Wentworth of Wentworth mansion.
Tattoo: But boss, that’s crazy; yesterday, she served me a hillbilly hamburger… with onion!

I’m fairly certain North Shore Restaurant is correct, since we had a North Shore Bungalow in 4×6 “Gigolo”. I’ve never heard the term “sling hash” before, but apparently, it’s a thing.

There’s a little special effect whenever Fred sees something shiny that he wants to steal, and little noises that go along with it, and it is delightful.

Omg, are you serious? Fred steals a shiny brooch off a woman’s dress, and when she stands up, her dress falls off. When did Fantasy Island start hiring teenage boys as writers?

[Roarke is introducing Loretta to her staff.]
Roarke: Miss Doris Lee, your personal maid; Mr. Otis McAllister, butler’s assistant and chef; and Mr. Buford Joe Scoggins, chauffeur and general factotum.
[Everybody looks at Roarke, confused.]
Roarke: Ehh, handyman.

I love that they’ve called out Roarke’s penchant for obscure words.

🎶 I was born to be country
But my little girl doesn’t see
She wants me to be somebody else
But I just want to be me 🎶

🎶 Everybody’s got a dream
But most dreams don’t come true
They all dream the same old way
I musta dreamed something new 🎶

🎶 My little girl just can’t see
That I found my fairyland
All those wishes on all those stars
Can’t change who I am 🎶

This transcriber is being lazy; they always used to transcribe the song lyrics too, but not this episode. They also couldn’t figure out the word “pulchritude”, so they completely missed a joke:

Turk: Look at all this pulchritude.
Man: Yeah, and pretty girls, too.

Nice, we’ve even got a picture of the North Shore Restaurant! A new addition for my still non-existent Fantasy Island map.

I like these waitress outfits better than the tiki restaurant waitresses’ outfits. Of course, these outfits would look out of place at the tiki restaurant.

Tattoo: Did anyone see a man carrying a purse?
[Everyone laughs.]

Roarke: His shoes?
Fred Simpson: Yeah, I got a hell of a good look at ’em.

They rarely swear on this show, so it’s jarring now that I’ve started to notice when it does happen. I feel like most of the time, the “hell”s probably aren’t in the script, and they just slip in.

Tattoo: Don’t worry; I’ll get you out on bail.
Roarke: Oh, I’m sorry, Tattoo, but since you admitted being with Mr. Simpson at the time the purse — and the necklace inside — were stolen, that makes you an accomplice.
[Roarke picks up the phone.]
Roarke: Oh, I do hate to see you go to jail too… but uh, my hands are tied.

[Fred Simpson and Tattoo are in jail.]
Fred Simpson: Uh, look, uh, I just want to say, I’m really sorry about this, Tattoo.
Tattoo: Si ??? d’encore un mot, je ??? (d’argent?)
Fred Simpson: Thanks.
[Tattoo gives him a confused look.]

My French fails me today.

Loretta Wentworth: He can’t keep his eyes or hands off of anything that’s got a skirt on it. I’m not gonna let my daughter marry into that kind of trouble.
Roarke: Assuming what you say is true… what can you do about it?
Loretta Wentworth: I’ve been thinkin’ about that. Just give me a few minutes, and then bring her out on the porch, okay?

This doesn’t sound good…

And of course, like everyone saw coming, her daughter catches Roger her fiancé making a move on her mother, and the daughter gets mad at Loretta too. Although, Loretta was clearly rejecting his advances, so it made no sense for the daughter to be mad at Loretta too.

Fred Simpson: I’m starting to have this real special feeling for you.

What’s with these “special feelings” everyone keeps having lately? (See also 6×3 “Perfect Gentleman”.)

The Ole Island Opry makes a return after previously appearing in 4×23 “Ole Island Opry”. Although, it isn’t the same building this time; they’ve just dressed up the tiki bar.

Roarke: And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, please welcome Miss Loretta… Wentworth.

Do you think there’s a blooper of him accidentally calling her Loretta Lynn?

It’s nice that Loretta’s going to Nashville to pursue her dream of being a country singer… but I feel like a bus is not the best mode of transportation to get there when you’re on an island in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

Also, she took all the employees of the North Shore Restaurant with her. Rude.

Maybe this is just because this is the first time I’ve seen this episode, but I feel like “Thank God, I’m a Country Girl” was an original story. I mean, we’ve had quite a few other parent-who-gave-child-up-for-adoption stories (1×2 “Return to Fantasy Island”, 2×20 “Birthday Party”, 7×9 “Saturday’s Child”…), but I liked that the daughter’s fiancé was a jerk, and they actually acknowledged that he was a jerk, and the daughter got rid of him and didn’t just replace him with another man immediately. This wasn’t a love story; it was a girl power story about a mother and daughter. And country music, because we can’t be too original. (Geez, how many country music fantasies have we had? Actually, not as many as I thought — just 4×23 “Ole Island Opry” and 6×5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s”, and then 7×10 “Goin’ on Home” still to come.)

• Guests:
  • Mr. Fred Simpson
  • Miss Emily Carlisle, a carrier from a very high-price New York jewellery company
  • Mrs. Loretta Wentworth, a waitress at the North Shore Restaurant
• Roarke’s drink: same old
• Ominous shot of Roarke drinking: no, he gives Tattoo a look
• Locations:
  • North Shore Restaurant
  • Jail
  • Lilac Bungalow
• Money:
  • Loretta Wentworth: I don’t know if I’m gonna have enough money left over after bringing Lorraine and all of them over on the boat to pay you for all this.
    Roarke: I’ve never heard you perform, Mrs. Wentworth; I’ll consider myself amply paid if you’ll sing something for me now. Will you?
• Costume change:
  • Roarke wears a black suit, black bowtie, and gray vest as Loretta’s butler.
  • Roarke wears a blue ascot and white and blue suit to the Ole Island Opry.
• Can’t help you:
  • Roarke: Oh, I do hate to see you go to jail too… but uh, my hands are tied.
• Recurring phrases:
  • Loretta Wentworth: The money for the fantasy, right?
    Tattoo: Wrong.
    Roarke: Quite wrong indeed.
• Leaving with an extra guest:
  • Fred Simpson with new girlfriend Emily Carlisle
  • Loretta Wentworth with daughter Lorraine and her friends Doris, Otis, and Buford
• Drivers:
  • To the dock: Roarke
  • The Ogdens’ arrival: That Guy
  • Fred Simpson’s departure: That Guy
  • Loretta Wentworth’s departure: Otis McAllister, driving a bus with a sign that says “Loretta Wentworth – Nashville or bust”
• Age gap:
  • Roxie Roker: 53 / Sherman Helmsley: 44 = -9 years
  • Anne Jeffreys: 59 / Russell Nype: 62 = 3 years
  • Heather Locklear: 21 / Ted McGinley: 24 = 3 years
  • Loretta Lynn: 50 / Ted McGinley: 24 = -26 years
• IMDb notes:
  • Luke Askew is credited as Turk, but he’s never called that in the  episode; Tattoo calls him Mr. Razik.
  • Steve Hanks is credited as “Buford” only, but he is referred to as “Buford Joe Scoggins” by Roarke.
  • Hal Smith is credited as “Otis” only, but he is referred to as “Otis McAllister” by Roarke.