Jencyclopedia

Desi Arnaz Jr.’s dream of dreams is to be Mr. Marcia Brady.
Some dude’s daughter wants him to make an important discovery by finding a lost Egyptian tomb… on Fantasy Island.

The fact that I don’t know the layout of Fantasy Island — and particularly, Roarke’s house — has been bugging me for a while. I’m trying to figure out where this entrance is supposed to be on the actual Queen Anne Cottage.

On the real cottage, there’s a door below the bell tower, then in front of the door, there’s a few metres of porch, then the stairs leading to the ground, a couple metres of walkway, then the road and the fountain. They used this entrance a lot during season 1 and 7, but for seasons 2-6, they seem to mostly use a different entrance.

I had previously thought this entrance was a set, but it’s just so well-matched to the real building that if it is a set, I’m surprised they put that much detail into what is — to be frank — a kind of dumb show. But then I think about the interview with Gerry Shepard about The Monkees and how much care he put into editing that dumb show, so hey, maybe some Hollywood folk actually take pride in their job, even if it’s not something ground-breaking. And hey, I try to do a good job at my job, even though I often know I’m creating websites that no one is ever gonna use. Heck, that’s the story of my life — it amuses me to no end that I put so much care into my Monkees site when the Monkees is such an inconsequential thing. And I guess that’s why I write so much about this stupid show too.

So I’ve been looking at pictures of this stupid house for half an hour now, and I’m only two minutes into the episode, and there were other things I wanted to do today. This would be much easier if I had more screenshots to compare to, so I’m just going to have to move on for now.

Omg, don’t even get me started on trying to figure out where the dock is. I’d assume it’s also in the arboretum near the Queen Anne Cottage, but then I’m pretty sure we had two different docks throughout the series. But like I said, moving on…

I feel like we haven’t yet had one of those sequences like: shot of guest #1 raising their glass, shot of guest #2 raising their glass, shot of Roarke raising his glass and looking ominous. That last shot is quintessential Fantasy Island, and they seem to leave it out in this early episodes. One day I’ll have to write a perfect Fantasy Island opening sequence with all the tropes.

Ugh. Now we’ve got a wider shot of this entrance to the house, and it’s got a fountain out front and a deck or something to the left, which definitely does not exist on the real cottage, so this has gotta be a set. The reason I’d always assumed this entrance was a set was because they filmed there so often, and it just didn’t seem logical for them to do so much location shooting. But damn, they did a good job re-creating the Queen Anne Cottage, and they built a pretty large set. Well, I mean, presumably it’s just the front of the house, because we never see inside, except for the shot of Roarke opening the shutters during the opening sequence. And there’s a wall immediately behind him when he opens the shutters; who puts a wall right in front of a window?

Anyway. This episode.

Barney Hunter: My best-seller… the title… Sex Can Make You Immortal.

Look. They’ve always been vague about Roarke’s background, but we do know he’s buddies with both Helen of Troy and Burt Reynolds, and that just doesn’t seem possible for someone with a normal human lifespan. We also know Barney Hunter did not write this book; his fantasy was to be a best-selling author, and this is the book that Roarke came up with for him… so is Roarke trying to tell us something here?

This episode is just not going well for me. I have no idea what they discussed in Roarke’s office because, of course, I had to look up the “don’t sit on my horse, Mr. Scott” guy.

There’s a hill behind this house! This does not match the Queen Anne Cottage at all.

Marcia’s mom would rather she marry some middle-aged pediatrician than Desi Arnaz Jr. Okay.

They’re using a still photo of the sun as an establishing shot; I keep seeing this in shows lately, and it annoys me every time. This one is especially bad though, because it’s just a red screen with a yellow circle in the middle.

Wow! I guess I picked a good episode to start wondering about the layout of this place; Tattoo looks out the window of Roarke’s office, and he can see the fountain.

I know this is a set, and I know things are not gonna match up properly, but I feel like I can still do some mental gymnastics to make the layout of this building work. After all, I did make a layout of the Monkees’ pad, and that place isn’t always consistent either. But then, The Monkees did only have 58 episodes.

What if there are two fountains? What if the front of the house is the Queen Anne Cottage, and the back of the house is the set? Oh, but that hill. And then when Roarke’s office gets the patio, that’s gonna mess things up even more.

Okay… what if there are two houses? lol. That’s the only way it works, because there are two houses. We have to forget the Queen Anne Cottage, because it just doesn’t work.

One thing I can’t compromise on is that there is a wall directly behind that window, because it’s shown in the intro of every (season 2+) episode. If we want the shot in this episode of Tattoo looking out the window and seeing the fountain to make sense, then the wall behind Mr. Roarke’s desk would be the front of the house, and the windows are at the side of the house — but then, when they do renovations to add the patio, that doesn’t make any sense, because the patio is definitely not at the front of the house.

Okay. I’m putting this aside for now. But I will be back. Indeed.

Anyway, my favourite IMDb reviewer isn’t around much for these early episodes. Instead, there’s this other guy:

This is the classic type of episode that has one solid story, and the other one is rather weak.

Agreed — but I liked “Best Seller”, and I did my nails during “The Tomb”.

• Tattoo’s shenanigans: He’s entering the Prune Whammy jingle contest. (“If you get up in the morning, and you feel real slow, pick up a bowl of Prune Whammy, and it will make you go, go, go!”) He was only trying for second prize (a full-length mink coat) so he could give it to a girl, but he ended up winning the grand prize… an all-expense paid vacation to Fantasy Island.
• Roarke’s drink: orange with a lemon slice
• Ominous shot of Roarke raising his drink: no
• Tattoo has no faith:
  • Tattoo: Boss, you are sending them on a wild goose chase!
    Roarke: Can you be so sure, my friend?
  • Barney Hunter: How can I write a best seller about… what I’ve never…
    Tattoo: Hm. Did you goof this time, boss.
• Mini-fantasy:
  • Mrs. Howard: Oh, Mr. Roarke. There you are. I just wanted to thank you for fulfilling my fantasy.
    Roarke: Oh, is Poopsie behaving himself?
    Mrs. Howard: Oh, he is a perfect gentleman now. But it took you to make him finally stop chasing kitty cats.
• Someone else had a fantasy:
  • Janice: Well, there goes my fantasy.
    Roarke: You still have the rest of the weekend.
    Barney Hunter: Your fantasy? What was your fantasy?
    Janice: For once in my life, to take a man away from my sister, Audrey.
  • Roarke: Aki is a young Egyptian who has been coming here for the last three years looking for the tomb, same as you. You have fulfilled his fantasy too.
• Recurring phrases:
  • Jill Marlowe: Unless it was he we saw on the mountain.
    Roarke: If indeed you saw anything.
• Leaving with an extra guest: Barney Hunter with new girlfriend Angela Brennan and her mother