Jencyclopedia

Paul Williams and David Doyle pretend to be Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.
Phyllis Davis wants to be sexually harassed; instead, she ends up in “Your Friendly Neighbourhood Kidnappers” and is sexually assaulted.

I’m gonna do something I don’t normally (intentionally) do and watch 4×3 and 4×4 out of order. 4×3 is a three-fantasy episode, so I’m going to save that one for the weekend.

Tattoo: Let me guess, boss. She wants to be the first lady president.

Ooh, I don’t know if I want to see that episode or not. I would have so much to complain about… so it would be great.

Roarke: After all the preparations we’ve attended to this past month, you don’t recognize the subject of our planning?

I don’t know if they’ve ever talked about how long a fantasy took to plan. Anyway, I assume Roarke can just snap his fingers and grant a fantasy, so I don’t know why they even need to pretend to prepare.

Oh wow, I knew Phyllis Davis was in this episode from seeing her name in the opening credits, but I still didn’t recognize her when she showed up; they did a great job with her makeup.

Roarke: Here on Fantasy Island, it’s possible, by certain methods, to highly concentrate the physical characteristics inherent in every woman to intensify her natural beauty and sensuality, to bring them to the surface.

What about men?

Roarke: First, Miss Hendrix, um, you must be absolutely certain you understand the danger of this particular fantasy.
Helen Hendrix: You mean having men stare at me as I walk down the street, knowing they desire me as a woman?
Tattoo: You don’t have to be a sex symbol for men to do that.
Helen Hendrix: Oh, but I do, Tattoo, because I’ve never had that experience, and I never will except here.

Continuity! They first mentioned Rooster magazine in 3×17 “Playgirl”, and now they’ve got an actual issue here.

This transformation sequence is terrible; she just looks at her reflection in the water, then there’s the wavy dream effect, and then she’s beautiful. Boo.

Tattoo: Excuse me. I can’t help staring at you.

Donald Quick: A young lady twisted her ankle, and I stopped her into first aid.
Sam Woolf: Don, you shouldn’t do that. One touch in the wrong place, she could sue the shirt off you.

I remember my dad making a comment not too long ago about how kids these days are going to be afraid to even touch each other for fear of getting sued… but apparently, that’s not just a “kids these days” problem, because this episode was thirty years ago.

Roarke: I must first apologize for not being able to transport you back to the age of chivalry as you’d hoped.
…
Tattoo: Well, uh, the conditions were not quite right.

There was a plasma storm, I guess?

Ron Barker: It’s time for the stunt.
Helen Hendrix: What stunt?
Nick Trump Ron Barker: The publicity stunt. The kidnapping?

The Columbia Ranch park! They didn’t really use it before this season, did they? I wonder if there was another show shooting there that prevented them from using it.

Donald Quick: As I suspected, the black knight is holding fair Dulcinea in his lair.

lol… his lair in the main house:

Sterling: You make a career out of flaunting your body, then when we decide to buy what you’re selling, you’re oh so offended.

I wanna switch it up and use a different GIF, but all I can really use is

Remember Roarke’s comment earlier about planning this fantasy for the past month? Now we find out he’s spent all that time planning how these three guys were gonna kidnap and rape her… great.

Ah, Carl is the Smasher!

Ron Barker: What makes you think I’m afraid of Sterling?
Helen Hendrix: ‘Cause he’s a meeean dude.

This show rarely has great lines like this.

I feel like this bridge is in a ton of shows.

Yes, in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the same bridge from Quantum Leap 3×4 “One Strobe Over the Line” from 1990:

There are a lot more Quantum Leap fansites than Fantasy Island fansites, so maybe there are some Quantum Leap nerds out there who know where this place is.

Quantum Leap apparently filmed at the Golden Oak Ranch, and I think that could be the place. There’s still a bridge there today, but it’s obviously been redone. It’s hard to find old pictures of this place. This is the bridge in the second season of Dukes of Hazzard, and there’s another old picture here.

This ranch is also right at the base of a hill, and it has big empty fields, so I think this is the place I’ve been looking for! There’s no house on the ranch today that matches the house in 3×3 “Magnolia Blossoms”, but I just have a feeling this is the right place. If I could match up that tree in the background with the place today, then I’d feel more certain.

Oh, this bridge was also in the DS9 pilot! I knew I’d seen that bridge somewhere else!

It’s also listed as being in The Baby-Sitters Club. I just re-watched that last year. Ah, yep — the trailer shows the bridge! Eeeee! I told you this bridge was everywhere.

Ahem. And now, back to our story.

Donald Quick: Is Dulcie in love with Carl?
Roarke: She believes herself to be. However, I now suspect a change in the direction of her affection.

Roarke can figure out who Dulcie loves, but not Helena.

Roarke: I am making you a very rare offer: the opportunity to withdraw from your fantasy before it’s too late.

“Rare”. Hm. Sure.

Orville Weems: You know, I been in love with you ever since the first time I saw your photograph.

What, you mean yesterday?

Oh no, are they trying to make Orville into a sympathetic character? Do they want us to feel bad for the guy who thought it would be a good idea to kidnap this woman?

Roarke: I regret that things turned out so badly, but I can only create the fantasy that you want, and this is what can happen when someone reaches too desperately for fantasy, because you see, even fantasy must have a touch of reality.

I feel like Roarke’s morals-of-the-story almost never make much sense.

Is this really necessary? If someone with COVID came to Fantasy Island, everyone would get it, because Roarke touches everyone.

Roarke: Well, Miss Hendrix, I only wish your visit could have been more pleasant for you.
Helen Hendrix: Well, sometimes the most bitter medicine is the best for what ails you, Mr. Roarke.

No, lady. You should be pissed. off. about what happened.

Helen Hendrix: What will happen to my admirers?
Roarke: The island on which they rented the villa belongs to a foreign government. They have their own methods of dealing with such, uh, admirers. I suggest you try not to think any more about it Miss Hendrix.

Yeah, don’t think about it any more, because they’re not gonna face any consequences.

There were no shenanigans whatsoever this episode. Nothing in the opening scene, no mid-episode shenanigans, not even any snarky comments at the end. Laaame.

• Guests:
  • Mr. Donald Quick and Mr. Sam Wolf, Mr. Quick’s legal advisor
  • Miss Helen Hendrix of Sioux Falls, South Dakota
• Ominous Roarke:
  • Tattoo: Mr. Quick’s is gonna need a lawyer for his fantasy?
    Roarke: Who knows? He could very well find himself beyond the help of a lawyer… or anyone else, for that matter.
  • Tattoo: I’m sure Miss Hendrix will be surprised.
    Roarke: I sincerely hope it’s nothing more than surprise… this is a very dangerous fantasy… one that could easily get beyond our control.
• Tattoo has no faith:
  • Roarke: Her fantasy is to be for even a few hours the reigning sex goddess of the world.
    Tattoo: Boss, she sure don’t look like the picture we’ve been sending out.
• Roarke’s drink: clearish yellow
• Ominous shot of Roarke raising his glass: yes
• Last chance:
  • Roarke: First, Miss Hendrix, um, you must be absolutely certain you understand the danger of this particular fantasy.
  • Roarke: You realize of course that if Carl even suspects such a thing is true, he will most certainly try to kill you both. For that reason, Mr. Quick, I am making you a very rare offer: the opportunity to withdraw from your fantasy before it’s too late.
• Magic object:
  • Roarke: The contents of this bottle will bring about the transformation you want. All you have to do is… drink it.
  • Roarke: The helmet has the added power of enabling you to distinguish very clearly between good and evil. It cannot lie. Try the helmet on, Mr. Quick.
• Magic door:
  • Roarke: This way, gentlemen.
• Historic object:
  • Tattoo: The boss say that they belonged to Don Quixote himself.
• Hypnosis:
  • [Debatable, but Roarke is staring at Quick very intensely here.]
    Roarke: The helmet has the added power of enabling you to distinguish very clearly between good and evil. It cannot lie. Try the helmet on, Mr. Quick.
• Magic fog: The magic room gets foggy, and suddenly, Donald Quick and Sam Woolf are in a foggy forest.
• Neighbouring islands:
  • Helen Hendrix: Where are we going?
    Ron Barker: To a fantastic island about seven miles offshore.
• Locations:
  • Helen’s Boutique
  • Phillpe’s
  • Fantasy Florist
• All you need is love:
  • Roarke: Fortunately, we also possess an even more powerful quality. I’m talking of love, Mr. Quick.
• Disappearing act:
  • Donald Quick: Thank you for the opportunity, Mr. Roarke, but everything I want is right here… here… Mr. Roarke?
• Roarke saves the day: Helen Hendrix has been kidnapped. She escapes into the jungle, and Roarke arrives with dudes with guns.
• Leaving with an extra guest: Donald Quick with new girlfriend Dulcie Merchant