Jencyclopedia

A man wants to find Dennis Cole and kill him.
Barbi Benton is a dowdy 39 year old who wants to be the world’s most desirable woman to get back at her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Barbi Benton’s in this? Hmm, I wonder which fantasy she’s gonna be in.

Tattoo: Boss, who is she?
Roarke: She claims to be Miss Carla Baines from Chicago, Illinois.
Me and Tattoo: Claims to be?
Roarke: Yes, Tattoo. I’m afraid she lied about her identity, along with certain other details in her application.

I don’t know that they’ve ever called the request for a fantasy and “application” before.

Roarke: Ah yes, the gentleman with the camera equipment is listed as Mr. William T. Keating.
Me: Listed?

Come on, Tattoo, keep up with me here.

Roarke: Mr. Keating tells me that for many years, he has dreamed of tracking down and… interviewing… a certain soldier of fortune.

I could never be Roarke’s assistant, because every week, I’d be like “boss, that sounds boring; why don’t you just handle that fantasy without me.”

Roarke: Unfortunately, Mr. Keating is also a nom de guerre.

This line wouldn’t make sense when they split the show up into half-hour segments.

Roarke: Mr. Keating, what makes you so certain that Major Doyle is on Fantasy Island?
William Keating: A friend of mine, a sea captain, put in here recently. He saw him on the beach. And besides, Mr. Roarke, you wouldn’t have granted my fantasy unless you were sure he was here.

This is very strange. Normally, when people ask for fantasies where they want to meet a specific person, they just assume that Roarke will be able to produce them (and, of course, he always does). No one ever needs an excuse as to why they think they’ll be able to find that person on Fantasy Island. So why was Doyle on Fantasy Island before this guy even contacted Roarke? Can Roarke just read everyone’s minds and know exactly what would convince them to come to Fantasy Island? Well, he must, because for the fantasies like “I want to find my ex-husband, who has disappeared, and no one has been able to find him” (I think this happened in 6×6 “The Beautiful Skeptic”), like Roarke must have a way of luring people to the island. Maybe Nyah helps him? Aaand I’m investing way too much thought into a fantasy that I’m going to completely ignore after Roarke leaves.

Roarke: You look most… desirable, if I may say so, Miss Baines.
“Carla Baines”: Thank you. My 39 year old body also thanks you.

Thirty-nine, pfft.

I did see some of this episode when it was on TV recently. I remember Barbi going into the magic water.

I wonder if that’s the same statue of Aphrodite from 3×18 “Aphrodite”.

Roarke: Have faith, Miss Baines. In me. In the fountain.

I really don’t want to keep track of how often Roarke asks people to have faith, because I haven’t been tracking it, and I’m over halfway through the series… but he says this so often, I feel like I should start tracking it.

[Panning across the beauty pageant contestants sitting in front of their mirrors.]
Girl 1: I wonder what lipstick I should wear.
Girl 2: Darn these false eyelashes!
Girl 3: I hope this makeup covers this pimple.
Girl 4: I’m never gonna be ready in time.
Girl 5: I’m so nervous, I could die.
Girl 6: I can’t get my hands to quit shaking.
Girl 7: My contact lens, I’ve lost it.
Girl 8: Sometimes I wish I’d been born ugly.

I wonder if they considered just… not having dialog here. This was so unnecessary and unrealistic.

Nice, Paradise Cove two episodes in a row.

“Carla Baines”: Well, you did a terrific job, you and your fountain. Look at me.
Roarke: Well, it’s very difficult not to look at you, Miss Baines.

[Barbi Benton is about to pose nude.]
[Roarke enters.]
Roarke: No.

Ohmyyygodddd I’m laughing at this way too much.

Roarke: I want to see you in my office in three hours.

Three hours? Why not right now? Also, what exactly do you have in mind, hmm?

I can’t get over Dennis Cole with his dark beard.

We’ve had a lot of “indeed”s this episode. I wonder who had more “indeed”s in seven seasons — Roarke or Tuvok? (At the time I wrote this, there were only three indeeds. By the end of the episode, there were six.)

I feel like they’ve cut the budget on the red flowers this season. They always used to be in the background — like it was almost too much — but now, you rarely see them.

Hal Garnett: Can you help me?
Roarke: I will try, Mr. Garnett. I cannot promise you that I will succeed, but, um, I will try.

This is interesting — in both fantasies, Roarke isn’t helping the guest; he’s helping Marsha’s soon-to-be-ex-husband and the guy Keating wants to kill.

They’re showing that damn new wall again.

It’s been in multiple episodes, so now I have to find some kind of explanation for it and work it into my floorplan. Ugggh.

Roarke: I should have never granted your application. Vengeance is not the purpose of Fantasy Island.

Really? I could swear we’ve had revenge fantasies before. Also, I feel like this GIF is gonna come in handy when I watch Fantasy Island (2020).

Roarke: He is seriously depressed. […] There’s no telling what effect that might have on your husband.

I’m getting Dr. Lorene Sisters vibes from Roarke in this scene. (“…and don’t forget collapse.”)

lol what a weird party.

They’re sitting around a campfire, singing a song, “see him there, the Zulu warrior”… and this is apparently an actual song? It wasn’t another original song written just for Fantasy Island?

Oh my god, who puts a sign saying “Disco Party” outside a disco party.

I’m disappointed that they invented Erotic Magazine for this episode and didn’t keep using Rooster Magazine from 3×17 “Playgirl” and 4×4 “Sex Symbol”.

I’m pretty sure this is the same crowd shot from 4×3 “Skater’s Edge”. This shot is super out of place here, because the rest of this scene takes place outside.

This is a disappointing resolution. Hal professes his love to “Carla Baines”, and says that maybe he could love again, like the one love that he let slip away, ie. his wife. “Carla” tells him all the secret things no one else knows (like the green underwear he wrote his name in), and so he realizes this hot chick is actually his wife. A better ending would have been if she convinced him to try again with his wife.

Roarke: However, there is a slight technical hitch, I might say…

Oh no, she has to stay beautiful for the rest of her life, what a shame.

The opening shot of the final scene is always the same shot of the plane, but this time, they’ve done a long pan down from the very tall palm trees to the jeep driving towards the camera.

And there are dancing girls?

Tattoo: Boss! The picture!
Roarke: Yes?
Tattoo: Mrs. Garnett. She looks the same as when she arrived.
Roarke: To whom, Tattoo? To you? To me? To the camera? To the rest of the world? However, one thing is certain; Mrs. Garnett will forever remain beautiful in the watchful eyes of her adoring husband.
Tattoo: You’re getting me confused.
Roarke: Well, that’s odd; it’s perfectly clear to me.

That’s weird. So for the rest of her life, Barbi Benton is going to be the world’s most unphotogenic woman.

Tattoo: Let’s go, boss.
Roarke: Not just yet, Tattoo. We have to say goodbye to another guest… Major Doyle.
Tattoo: But… he’s dead! That man, Mr. Keating, shot him.
Roarke: He was only wounded, Tattoo. You see, by a strange coincidence, the bridge railing broke at the precise moment that Mr. Keating opened fire, thereby allowing the Major to disappear from view and swim downstream.

Wow, so many “technical hitches”, “miscalculations”, and “strange coincidences” this episode.

I don’t keep good track of the drivers at the end, but I feel like this might be the first time we’ve got That Guy Who Doesn’t Have a Name Yet and Wally as the drivers; I think they’re the longest reigning driving pair by the end of the series.

Roarke: Fantasy Island is sorry to lose such a good, law-abiding citizen.

That’s like… the most generic compliment ever.

I feel like normally, I would rate these fantasies as 2 and 3, but I’m bumping them both up. I don’t know if I’m just feeling generous today or what, but I feel like I made a lot of GIFs and wrote a lot during this episode, and that usually means I enjoyed it.

• Guests:
  • She claims to be Miss Carla Baines from Chicago, Illinois.
  • He is listed as Mr. William T. Keating, photojournalist from New Orleans, accompanied by Mrs. Keating.
• Ominous Roarke:
  • Roarke: Oh, I’m going to grant the lady her fantasy… which she may very well live to regret.
• Roarke’s drink: same old
• Ominous shot of Roarke drinking: yep
• Recurring phrases:
  • William Keating: Some career.
    Roarke: Indeed. Quite a story.
  • Roarke: Have you, Miss Baines? Do you indeed wish to cancel your fantasy?
  • Calvin Doyle: I made a lot of mistakes. Men died.
    Roarke: Indeed. But you also saved many lives.
  • Hal Garnett: I could use some advice. About a girl.
    Roarke: Indeed.
  • Roarke: This young lady is indeed Marsha Garnett, your wife.
  • Hal Garnett: Instead of a divorce, a second honeymoon. We’re going on a world cruise.
    Roarke: Indeed.
• Cancelling the fantasy:
  • Tattoo: Boss, maybe she changed her mind
    Roarke: Have you, Miss Baines? Do you indeed wish to cancel your fantasy?
• Magic water:
  • “Carla Baines”: But it’s nothing more than plain old water.
    Roarke: Ah, not exactly, Miss Baines. It is rumoured that its source is a secret spring deep in the earth’s mantle. A source which also feeds the legendary fountain of youth, for which the great explorer Ponce de Leon searched in vain. You need only step into its waters, and your fantasy will begin.
• ‘Cause I gotta have faith:
  • Roarke: Have faith, Miss Baines. In me. In the fountain.
• Competitions: World’s Most Desirable Woman Contest
• Meddling Roarke:
  • [Roarke isn’t happy about Marsha Garnett trying to get revenge on her soon-to-be-ex-husband, so Roarke tries to warn him.]
    Roarke: Perhaps it would be best if you left the island today and did not see this young woman again.
  • Roarke: It would seem that someone — I’m not exactly certain who — miscalculated; I am afraid that the effects of the fountain will not wear off at the close of this weekend as we all anticipated.
• Not what you asked for:
  • Roarke: Mrs. Garnett, your fantasy was to be the world’s most desirable woman for one weekend. But to break his heart, to punish him? I should have never granted your application. Vengeance is not the purpose of Fantasy Island.
• Can’t help you:
  • Petie: Mr. Roarke, make him stop! Please, make him stop.
    Roarke: I’m sorry, Petie; I can’t intervene.
• Roarke’s powers:
  • He can make Petie see the man Calvin Doyle used to be.
  • [He can make bridges break.]
    Roarke: You see, by a strange coincidence, the bridge railing broke at the precise moment that Mr. Keating opened fire, thereby allowing the Major to disapper from view and swim downstream.
• He’s dead, Jim: William Keating shoots and kills Calvin Doyle.
• Technobabble:
  • Roarke: Your wife, metabolically speaking, will be 21 years of age today, but from this time forward, she will age naturally.
• Leaving with an extra guest: Marsha Garnett with not-so-ex-husband Hal Garnett
• Employees: Tattoo hands his camera to a girl named Nancy.
• He’s not dead, Jim:
  • Tattoo: But… he’s dead! That man, Mr. Keating, shot him.
    Roarke: He was only wounded, Tattoo.
• Not leaving on the plane: Well, Mr. Keating did leave on the plane, but he left yesterday.